Why?
by CaptRocket
Summary: One day Prof. Snape notices Harry doesn't seem himself and wonders why?  Pre-slash.
1. Chapter 1

As soon as he stepped into the hall I could tell that something was amiss. His movement was slow, sluggish, like he was trudging through water. Dark circles around his eyes told of long sleepless nights with only haunting thoughts as company. No one around him seemed to notice or even care as he took his seat away from anyone else at the table. He looked as though he might be on autopilot as he portioned out small amounts of food onto his plate. Has he always been this meticulous or is this a new development. I have to admit to never really paying attention to the boy, no, young man. For all I know he could be obsessive compulsive.

As he finishes his breakfast he glances up at the head table and his gaze meets mine. I look on with curiosity as I try to decipher the emotions I see in his eyes. The most prevalent is shock at what I can assume is the only time I haven't looked at him with contempt or thinly veiled anger. Our connection breaks as he looks away as he stands, collects his bag and leaves for his first class of the day. I notice the quickly emptying hall and decide to follow suit. I have my own classes to get to after all.

All throughout the day I find myself wondering what has changed in him. He rarely speaks and his study habits have obviously improved if his aptitude in my class has improved, and it has. Immensely. It's as if he woke up one day and decided he was going to learn as much as he can. His scores have even far surpassed his bookish muggle friend, who seems is the only person to notice him aside from myself. As I close the door to my chambers and remove my outer robe I make a decision. I will find out what is going on. What seems to be bothering him. And I will find out why I all of sudden care about the little brats feelings.


	2. Chapter 2

I almost don't go to breakfast but I do if only to figure why Prof. Snape is so different. Well, maybe different is the right word. He's still himself I suppose but his attitude has changed somewhat. At least it has in regards to me. I can't put my finger on it but it's as if he's trying to figure something out. What that could be I'm not certain.

As its Saturday I dress casually in a pair of form fitting jeans and a long sleeve button up. Since I came of age and moved out of the Dursley's, I can dress how I wish without fearing the question of where the money came from to purchase new clothes. Knowing my relatives they would try and get their greedy little hands on any gold I have. Which, thanks to my parents surprisingly muggle investments, is quite a bit. Apparently, my parents had a great deal of interest in muggle business and knew what they were doing in regards of who to support.

As I step into the Great Hall I feel his stare. I feel like a puzzle he can't find the missing piece to. After I take my seat at the end of the table far from those I don't want to be near, I look up. Instead of anger or annoyance I see curiosity and confusion. Like he doesn't know why he's curious. Which is probably true. In the now 7 years that I've know the man I can't recall one moment when looked at me without any negative emotions at the front. At best I've come to expect a blank stare.

I've decided to ignore him for the time being. I really don't need the headache I'm sure I'd get if I try to puzzle the man out. Just as I pull out my potions text to read through Hedwig lands next to my coffee. I offer her a piece of toast and relieve her of the letter she carries. Looking over the hand writing I recognize I wonder why he would send a letter and if it wasn't some kind of prank. Breaking the wax seal I start to read.

'Potter,

I realize this is out of the blue and no it's not a prank. I only wanted to know if we could to talk sometime. I realize we've never gotten along but I feel that we could be friends, or at least I hope we could. Let me if you want to try or whatever.

D.M.'

This is new. I look over to the Slytherin table and catch Malfoy's eye. He seems to hold himself with the air someone prepared to defend himself. I realize that he is telling the truth in his letter, he truly does want to try to be friends. Well, I have no objections really. The only reason I denied his hand in our first year was because of Ron and he doesn't want anything to do with me since I came out to all my friends. What the hell, I raise my coffee mug to Draco and smile when he returns the gesture. Who knows, this could work out for all concerned. After sipping from my mug I take look-see towards the head table and see Prof. Snape. I could be wrong, but I think I see a hint of approval. And dare I say it, a smile. What is this world coming to I wonder?


	3. Chapter 3

Gasping Harry sat up in bed shaking after yet another nightmare. It's always the same one. The Final Battle, standing above the Dark Lords lifeless corpse. Yes, he saved the world, but he had to take a life to do so. No matter how many times Hermione told him he had to, it didn't change the fact that he had taken a life. After months of training with Aurors in secret it was what needed to be done. Figuring that he wasn't going to get anymore sleep Harry decided to get up and ready for the day at the refreshing hour of 4 in the morning. Grabbing the necessary items he headed for the showers.

As the hot water cascaded down his body he finally allowed himself to think about what happened that day.

_Flashback_

_The wind was howling almost as loud as the cries of the dying and those still fighting. Everywhere you looked wizards and witches were fighting for what they believed was right. On one side there were those who felt that allowing muggles into the wizarding the world they were sacrificing their very existence. By allowing them to enter their world they were losing themselves and their culture. On the other side there were those who felt that letting muggles into their world was the only way to insure their world continued. The muggles would revitalize their stagnant culture._

_All around him, Harry could see friends and those he considered family fighting for their lives. He had no time to waste. He had to find Him, Voldemort. The man who destroyed his family and marked him as his equal. After what seemed like hours of deflecting attacks made on him and assisting his comrades he found him. Standing atop a hill waiting for him. Without wasting time they started to duel for what they both knew was the last time. As Harry was beginning to tire he knew he had to deal the final blow before he ran out of energy. As he began the chant that he had spent weeks memorizing he felt a searing pain in his left leg and hip. Not allowing the pain to overcome him he released the spell he knew would end the Dark Lords reign. As the curse hit Voldemorts body, Harry could see the disbelief in the monsters eyes. Harry stood and watched the life leave Voldemorts eyes and his body fall and hit the ground below. As soon as he knew it was over Harry let the pain overtake him and lost consciousness._

After waking up in the infirmary several days later he was told that the injury that Voldemort was able to inflict on him was unfortunately permanent. Nothing could be done to heal his leg. He would still be able to walk and function as needed in his everyday life, but it would be difficult and painful. There were potions that he could take that were non-addicting to help with the pain but that was it. So after everything was said and done, he had a leg that would pain him for the rest of his days and the murder of a man on his conscience.

Finishing up his shower he turned off the water and slowly made his way to the bench that had his clothes laid upon them. Carefully he dressed himself in a pair of black Dickies and a black tee that said 'Don't piss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.' Chuckling softly to himself at the tee that had been a gift from Gred and Forge, Harry put all his toiletries away before making his way down to the common room. As he made his way to the Great Hall for a _very _early breakfast, Harry thought of how many restless nights he had endured in the past month. He knew he needed to speak to someone, but was at a loss as to who would listen and not judge nor coddle him. He needed someone who knew what he has been through and would let him get it all out. Walking up to the doors to the hall it dawned on him, Prof. Snape. Not only did he know what is like to take a life for the good of their side on the war but he knew what nightmares could do to a person having experiencing them himself. Gathering his courage Harry stepped into the hall and looked up to the Head Table. Hoping against hope he saw Prof. Snape making his way to his seat. Deciding it was now or never Harry carefully made his way to the surly Potions Master.

Upon reaching his Professor Harry took a deep breath and spoke, "Excuse me, sir."

Slowly Snape looked up, "Yes, Mr. Potter. What is it?"

"I was wondering if you had any time today that could spare, I would really like to speak with you."

"Very well, Mr. Potter. I'm free later today after lunch. Come to my office at 1430, do not be late."

"Thank you, sir."

And that was that. Harry made his way to his seat and sat beginning to dish out his breakfast. It seemed as if he was in a daze after what could have been the first actual civil conversation he ever had with his Potions Professor.

The rest of the day leading up to the meeting passed by in a blur for both men. Harry was walking down the steps that would lead him to the hall that contained Prof. Snapes office. In the distance he could see the door looming closer and closer until in a blink of an eye it was upon him. Or he was upon it. Either way it was time and so he knocked.

"Enter."

Opening the door, Harry wasted no time in softly closing the door and walking to the desk at the end of the office and taking his seat.

"Well, Mr. Potter. What was it you needed to speak to me about?"

Figuring it was best to get straight to the point; Harry took a calming breath and said, "The day of the Final Battle."


	4. Chapter 4

I really should have expected this. I should have seen it. I've lived it and seen others do the same. What is it about this young man that throws me off balance? Is it his power? His charisma? The fact that I hated his father in life doesn't really affect my attitude towards him any longer. It hasn't for some years, but I had to keep up appearances lest we both be dead. When he approached me at breakfast I knew that the day was going to be quite different. Not only was he awake and present for breakfast at 530 in the morning but he was willing to seek me out. The fact that he came to me for help with something is monumental. Especially given our past.

After he took his seat in my office and told me he wanted to talk about the final battle a few pieces slid into place. Why he seemed so haggard as of late. It seemed that the memories were getting the best of him. From the looks of it he hasn't taken too much of the pain killers either. Well now that just won't do, I didn't create that potion for nothing.

As I look into his eyes I know what he wants me to say, but I can't. Yes, killing Voldemort was necessary. Yes, Harry was the only one who could end the madman's reign of terror. Yes, it's over. But no, the pain and guilt over taking another life won't just go away. Only time is capable of healing that. And so I tell him.

"It's not going to just go away overnight, Mr. Potter."

His head snaps up and he stares at me. It seems he wasn't expecting me to be so blunt.

"I know that, sir. I never believed it would. I just thought if I spoke to someone who had even the slightest idea of what I'm going through, that it would help." As he spoke I could hear and even feel the desperation in his words. Not knowing why, I hastened to reassure him.

"It will. Help, that is. Even just acknowledging that you need to tell someone about what you're going through is a huge step. Not many people can muster up the courage to even ask for help. That's the first step in the healing process."

"I understand the need for the courage to ask for help. Trust me, I do. I almost didn't ask but I can't keep going on the way I have. When I do sleep it isn't well or long thanks to the nightmares. I keep reliving that moment. When I stood over his dead body. I know it needed to be done, enough people have told me. I just can't wrap my head around the fact that I took a life."

"You understand that he took a lot more than just one life don't you?"

"Yes, of course. That doesn't help me though. I had to stoop to his level to end everything. I just wish there was something I could do. To maybe atone or something. I don't even really know what I could do. Anything really. I've been throwing myself into my schoolwork and keeping my mind occupied with other things but as soon as I lay down to sleep it all rushes back."

"Let me tell you something, Mr. Potter. You have nothing to atone for. You have committed no sin or any other such nonsense. I know you feel as though you have. But look at it this way. In order for you to have taken a life, one needs to exist in the first place. Voldemorts life ended long before that day. It ended the moment he decided to begin his course of evil that you put a stop to."

"I…well…I never thought of it that way, I suppose."

"Things will change. They will get better, not overnight but they will. You've done your part in all of this. You enabled everyone else to carry on with their lives in peace. No one can ask anything more of you. All you can and should do now is to live your life as you see fit. You've earned that and so much more. So, continue your focus on school and spend time with your friends. That's your job now, do you understand?"

"Yes, I think I do, sir. I don't really know if it will help with the nightmares though."

"The nightmares are easy enough to lessen. Simply clear your mind."

"Clear my mind?"

"Yes. It is not only an exercise to keep others out of your thoughts but also to control your thoughts. Your mind will do anything you set it to do. If you clear your mind and center yourself before you sleep it will allow your mind to stay at peace. Your body is not the only part of you that needs to rest."

"Well, that's yet another thing I didn't think of."

"Most people don't, to tell you the truth. Going through the process of clearing your mind helps with many things. It helps with nightmares, keeping your focus when learning spells, brewing potions, or even to simply calm your mind when you need to relax."

"Well, sir," Harry said as he stood from his seat, "You've helped me a great deal and given me much to think about. Thank you. For everything." As he finished speaking he held out his hand to me. After pausing for barely a moment I rose and grasped his hand firmly.

"You're quite welcome Mr. Potter."

As the young man turned to leave I acted quickly. Quickly reaching for a vial of one of my shelves I rushed to meet him at the door.

"One more thing before you leave. Take this. It isn't considered weakness to require the help of others Mr. Potter, remember that."

Taking the vial from my hand he stared at it for a moment before nodding his acquiescence and leaving my office. Closing the door behind him I realized something. Somewhere along the line of teaching him, training him, and fighting alongside him, I've come to care for him. I don't truly know how much I care for him, but I'm willing to find out. Young Mr. Potter isn't the only one who needs help with his nightmares. Maybe, just maybe, he's what I need. Perhaps _he_ can help _me. _


End file.
